Embracing broken — ness
Just imagine, you are seated in a quiet place or a serene environment, and you zone into deep thoughts. By default, your mind starts to reflect on your day-to-day activities. These activities may revolve around your work, studies, relationships, and so on. As you reflect, you start asking yourself, “Am I doing it well?” “Am I working or studying enough?” “Do I deserve to be where I am now?” “Is there more to this?” “Am I performing as well as my friends or colleagues?” “Am I in a good relationship like my friends?” “Is there more to this?” All these thoughts center around self-doubt and perfectionism. To be honest, I have personally experienced these thoughts.
According to Dr. Whitney Gordon-Mead who is a self-actualization coach, self-doubt often leads to a sense of brokenness which in turn causes the individuals to strive for perfection to fill the gap created by brokenness by seeking validation. But the danger is that — this can become a cyclic behavior where the individual will always strive for perfection and never feel adequate — which means always feeling broken.
How Self-Doubt can lead to broken-ness
It was September 14, 2023, when I logged on to the X app (formerly known as Twitter), and there was a story that was trending about a young Kenyan techie who was faking accolades and was also using Photoshop to impersonate himself in some spaces that he had not yet gotten to. Many people would comment about how his LinkedIn profile was super powerful and impressive. I was also always impressed with his LinkedIn presence and how he had earned himself a great name in the tech space in Kenya. On that day, it all came to light that some of the posts he had made on LinkedIn were not true. An example was his listing to have worked for company X, yet no one from company X had seen him or knew him to have worked there. I was a bit disappointed, as I had closely followed him, and I was always clapping for him and resharing his posts on Twitter. Finally, after many people called him out, he apologized and acknowledged the mistakes that he had made. But the big question that me and many people around the Kenyan tech space asked ourselves was, “Why? Why would he lie?
This struck me as an excellent illustration of how self-doubt may result in brokenness, which then compels someone to act inauthentically to seek validation. The individual in this context was feeling some form of pressure from other individuals who were doing well in the tech space and questioned his abilities. Instead of being conscious of his state of brokenness or self-doubt, he went on to make up achievements that he had not yet attained to feel validated and seen as doing well in his tech career. The aftermath of the scenario was that the individual lost trust across the Kenyan tech ecosystem.
Many times we find ourselves broken due to societal pressures and standards, and we may often feel as if we are not doing well in our careers, relationships, or whatever we are doing. I mean, feel as if we are failures to ourselves. To be sincere, I have sometimes felt the same.
Many times I have questioned myself, “Am I doing well in my tech career?”. “Am I really smart enough to work at Electrum Payments?” (Electrum Payments employs some of the smartest and greatest engineers I have met in my tech career.) “Why am I struggling to find a working relationship while my close friends are in great relationships?” And the list of questions that run through my mind is endless. However, I have managed to find a working solution every time I start feeling this.
In 2018, I dedicated myself to personal growth, naming it “the year of becoming a better version of myself.” During this time, I encountered the Triple “A” principle — awareness, attitude, and action. This principle emphasizes the need to identify anything disrupting progress or hindering you from achieving your goals. Once identified, the next step involves adjusting your attitude toward removing the obstacles. Afterward, crafting actionable steps becomes crucial for improving yourself — becoming a better version. For instance, suppose you’re grappling with saving money. The initial step is pinpointing what’s impeding your savings — perhaps excessive spending on takeout or using budgeted money for unnecessary purchases. Following this, cultivating a positive mindset regarding adhering to your budget is essential. Lastly, setting action items, like transferring savings to an account before spending, solidifies this commitment to financial goals.
I have been using the Triple “A” principle to deal with my self-doubt, and I have been fortunate not to fall into the cycle of looking for validation to fill the gap created by brokenness. Whenever those self-doubting thoughts begin to surface, I swiftly become aware of them. After a short while, I will start to talk to myself: “Actually, Willie, you are not doing that bad.” “You are achieving some of your goals.”. “Don’t compete with others; just compete with yourself!” These positive affirmations consistently rescue me from self-doubt’s grip. Then later, I fast-track my goals and ask myself, “How far am I from achieving this goal I set for this year?” “Am I on track or not?” “Any assistance I can ask person X?” This strategy has helped me to work around self-doubt, and many times I have managed to believe in myself and work toward my goals.
Finding Beauty in Imperfections
A few days ago, I called Bobier (keeping his name anonymous) to catch up with him. I have known Bobier for almost 6 months, and he was working for a big tech company. When I called him, I wasn’t aware that he had been laid off from the big tech company. During the call, Bobier told me that he had been laid off as he did not perform well in his role. Bobier had moved to a new country, and he felt pressure to perform at his job in the big tech company. To my surprise, Bobier told me that he was laid off almost 3 months ago, and he was struggling to tell people around him what had happened. He told me, “Thanks Willie for tagging me along in the various events you tagged me along as you helped me to move out of my house as I was in a broken state! Going to an event and meeting new people always made me smile and experience happiness.”However, in our conversation, Bobier told me, “Don’t feel sorry for me, Willie. I have already recognized all the things that went wrong during my time at the big tech company. I am working on something and am going to ensure that the mistakes that happened, will never happen again in the event I get an opportunity to work for another tech company.
Soo Land 79 Youtube Channel: https://www.youtube.com/watch?app=desktop&v=WWUWTPjCf8o&ab_channel=SooLand79
After we ended the conversation with Bobier, I told myself, that Bobier was feeling so energetic despite the challenges and silent battles he was going through. He had already seen his layoff as an opportunity to improve himself — an opportunity to become a better Bobier. I concluded to myself that Bobier had embraced his imperfections. It would not be surprising to hear that Bobier will be a great engineer in the near future since he has seen his imperfections as an opportunity to improve his technical abilities.
A question I have always asked myself is, “Is there anything like perfection or perfectionism? Is it just an illusion? Many times I have told my friends and colleagues that I am courageous to be imperfect. I do believe that it is through our imperfections that we grow and become better.
For example, I have watched so many videos of how various artists end up coming up with beautiful and creative art. Some artists have confessed that sometimes it takes some imperfections in their original artwork to come up with another creative artwork. So, through imperfections, they are able to improve their creativity and come up with new and unique artwork. Therefore, there is beauty in our imperfections; they help us know where we need to work. We should not strive to achieve perfectionism; rather, we should strive to gradually improve our imperfections. Striving for perfectionism will leave us broken for a long time, as we will never feel as if we are improving.
Embracing broken-ness
Last year, I wrote about my reflections, and I emphasized the fact that “you can never lie to yourself.” You can read about my reflections here. You have to remain truthful to yourself and be realistic about yourself. The same case applies when dealing with brokenness — you have to remain truthful to yourself. Accepting your flaws and imperfections is a journey toward self-compassion and resilience.
A friend of mine texted me a few months ago that he was heartbroken and his relationship had ended. He specifically told me, and I quote,
“Willie, I know how I have dealt with break-ups before, and this time around, I am not going to deal with it the same way. I am not going to live in denial like I have done before. I am going to allow myself to go through this hard time (brokenness) and as I go through it, I am going to reflect on how the relationship was and try to see where I messed up and how I can improve myself to become a better person.” I told him that was a good strategy, as he was remaining truthful to himself. He was not quick to cock the gun and say, “It was my partner’s fault, and that is why the relationship ended.” Rather, he chose to reflect on himself and how he could have done better.
By facing his moments of brokenness, he learned that embracing and remaining truthful to himself was a gateway to profound self-understanding. Often, it’s in those shattered pieces that we find the raw materials for our reconstruction. Embracing brokenness is not about fixing what’s shattered but rather about sculpting something entirely new from the fragments.
Whenever you feel broken, never feel the need to seek validation. When you are financially broke, never feel the need to take out loans so that you can fund your next friend’s outing. When you don’t know a certain concept, never be afraid to say, I don’t know, but I can understand. Never feel the need to show off that you know and yet you don’t. Whenever you feel the need to seek validation, always remember that you are somehow broken, and recognizing this connection is crucial to breaking the cycle. Embracing imperfections, practicing self-compassion, and accepting oneself with all the flaws and vulnerabilities can be steps towards healing from self-doubt and feelings of brokenness. It involves shifting the focus from seeking perfection to valuing growth, resilience, and the unique qualities that make individuals who they are.
Conclusion
As we close 2023, I would like you and I to reflect on the various ways we felt broken — maybe we felt self-doubt at some point, maybe we were financially broken, maybe we were broken health-wise (not feeling well for a long time), or maybe we were left by one of our loved ones. The question we should ask ourselves is, “Did we ever feel the urge to seek validation?”. Feeling the urge to seek validation is not a problem (I think every human might have felt this way at some point); the problem is being swayed by the urge and being forced to be inauthentic. Whenever you feel the urge to seek validation, pause a little bit and show yourself compassion. Many times we have heard, “It is okay — not to be okay,” and that is one step toward self-compassion. When you feel you are not well financially, tap yourself and say it is okay not to be financially okay. Whenever you feel the need to seek validation by flexing your cash and yet you are financially broken, don’t head to over-use your credit card or look for the next digital lender that can loan you some quick cash. Pause a little and question why you are seeking validation.
In 2024, let’s practice self-compassion rather than looking for approval from others. We will be able to have a wonderful year if we keep in mind the triple “A” concept whenever we feel broken.
Connect with me at:
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/willie-ng-ang-a-macharia-121518102/
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/Macharia.Willie/
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/willie_nganga/?hl=en
Email: ngangawillie84@gmail.com
Author: Willie Macharia, Software Engineer II at Electrum Payments (FYI: We are hiring — Kindly apply to join the tribe). MSc Computer Science at the University of Cape Town.
